Network Engineer: Trouble in the data center.
Junior Admin: Oh no – what kind of trouble?
Network Engineer: VLAN PoC for VIP is SNAFU.
Junior Admin: Pardon?
Network Engineer: VLAN PoC for VIP is SNAFU.
Junior Admin: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Network Engineer: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] Virtual LAN Proof of Concept for the Very Important Person is…messed up.
Junior Admin: Well what on earth does that mean?
Network Engineer: *I* don’t know – the CIO just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble in the data center that’s all – I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and an SDN Developer  enters, flanked by two junior helpers. An SDN Assistant [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. An SDN Blogger [Gilliam] is taking notes for the next article]

SDN Developer: NOBODY expects the SDNquisition! Our chief weapon is orchestration…orchestration and programmability…programmability and orchestration…. Our two weapons are programmability and orchestration…and Open Source development…. Our *three* weapons are programmability, orchestration, and Open Source development…and an almost fanatical devotion to disliking hardware…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as programmability, orchestration…. I’ll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

Network Engineer: I didn’t expect a kind of Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

SDN Developer: NOBODY expects the SDNquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: programmability, orchestration, Open Source development, an almost fanatical devotion to disliking hardware, and nice slide decks – Oh damn!
[To Cardinal SDN Assistant] I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.
SDN Assistant: What?
SDN Developer: You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are …’
SDN Assistant: [rather horrified]: I couldn’t do that…

[SDN Developer bundles the cardinals outside again]

Network Engineer: I didn’t expect a kind of Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals enter]

SDN Assistant: Er…. Nobody…um….
SDN Developer: Expects…
SDN Assistant: Expects… Nobody expects the…um…the SDN…um…
SDN Developer: SDNquisition.
SDN Assistant: I know, I know! Nobody expects the SDNquisition. In fact, those who do expect –
SDN Developer: Our chief weapons are…
SDN Assistant: Our chief weapons are…um…er…
SDN Developer: Orchestration…
SDN Assistant: Orchestration and —
SDN Developer: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there – stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! … our chief weapons are Orchestration…blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the paradigm shift.
SDN Blogger: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates claim that hardware forwarding is preferred to software definition of networking…
SDN Assistant: That’s enough.
[To Junior Admin] Now, how do you plead?
Junior Admin: We’re innocent.
SDN Developer: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

SDN Assistant: We’ll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

SDN Developer: Programmability, orchestration, and Open Source– [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal — the API!

[SDN Assistant produces an API design definition. SDN Developer looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]

SDN Developer: You….Right! Open the IDE.

[SDN Blogger and SDN Assistant make a pathetic attempt to launch a cross-platform development kit]

SDN Developer: Right! What function will you software enable?
Junior Admin: VLAN creation?
SDN Developer: Ha! Right! Cardinal, write the API [oh dear] start a NETCONF parser.

[SDN Assistant stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

SDN Assistant: I….
SDN Developer: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your dependence on old hardware constructs.
SDN Assistant: I…
SDN Developer: It makes it all seem so stupid.
SDN Assistant: Shall I…?
SDN Developer: No, just pretend for Casado’s sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[SDN Assistant types on an invisible keyboard at the IDE screen]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde]

SDN Developer: Now, old woman — you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by having no API definition, heresy by failure to virtualize network function, heresy by not purchasing an SDN startup for your own needs, and heresy by failure to have a shipping product — *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don’t understand what I’m accused of.
SDN Developer: Ha! Then we’ll make you understand! SDN Assistant! Fetch…THE POWERPOINT!

[JARRING CHORD]

[SDN Assistant launches a popular presentation program]

SDN Assistant: Here it is, lord.
SDN Developer: Now, old lady — you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the hardware vendors — *two* last chances. And you shall be free — *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SDN Developer: Right! If that’s the way you want it — Cardinal! Animate the slides!

[SDN Assistant carries out this rather pathetic torture]

SDN Developer: Confess! Confess! Confess!
SDN Assistant: It doesn’t seem to be advancing to the next slide, lord.
SDN Developer: Have you got all the slides using the window shade dissolve?
SDN Assistant: Yes, lord.
SDN Developer [angrily closing the application]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal SDN Blogger! Fetch…THE NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED VISIO DIAGRAM!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into SDN Blogger’s horrified face]

SDN Blogger [terrified]: The…Needlessly Complicated Visio Diagram?

[SDN Assistant produces a cluttered Visio diagram — a really cluttered one]

SDN Developer: So you think you are strong because you can survive the Powerpoint. Well, we shall see. SDN Assistant! Show her the Needlessly Complicated Visio Diagram!

[They shove the diagram into her face]

SDN Developer [with a cruel leer]: Now — you will study the Needlessly Complicated Visio Diagram until lunch time, with only a list of approved Open Flow primitives. [aside, to SDN Assistant] Is that really all it is?
SDN Assistant: Yes, lord.
SDN Developer: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
SDN Assistant: I confess!
SDN Developer: Not you!